I Want to Be Seen

I just want to be seen. Heard. Loved. Supported. Comforted.

That poured out of me in therapy this morning.

I’ve always been the helper. The one people rely on.

And for years now; especially since our son died; I’ve felt more like my husband’s caretaker than his wife. Sometimes more like his parent.

Not his partner.

And I don’t know if there’s a way back from here.

What I want is a partner.

Someone who wants to take care of me just as much as I take care of them.

Someone who sees that I need help too.

Maybe I’ve done this to myself. I don’t ask for help.

I don’t always know how.

Or I assume no one can help me; especially if they’re struggling to help themselves.

Can a marriage still work when it’s gone on like this for so long?

I know people can’t read minds. But I also think most people can recognize when someone’s hurting.

And yet, because my husband is “down,” it feels like there’s no room for my own pain. I’m still expected to show up, to care for him; even when I’m not okay.

Everything feels so messy right now.

And I don’t like messes.

I like to clean them up, fix them, move on.

But this one?

This one isn’t going away anytime soon.